Life

Life in North America
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Today’s my day off from a rather hectic week. Between work and other obligations, I have barely slept more than three hours every night. And just to spice things up, because life loves to do that, I will have to get a second job just to be able to cover rent, pay bills and have enough to eat.

I see so many people in the same position. So I had to ask my Dad “Is this life?” He answered: “No, but now you really see how difficult it is out here and how important it is to do everything you can do now, for your future, even if it means going on three hours of sleep.”

Life has never been easy that’s for sure. You can say it, and understand it, but unless you live it you can never truly relate. My parents have done a lot over the years, to try to get me and my sister to understand just how bad they had it growing up, but I think she got the lesson sooner and better than I did.

If I was to speak honestly, it’s not the hard work part that bothers me. It’s two things: the first is having to do a job that you don’t like, and that you find yourself doing because of a series of circumstances. The second thing is the human connection here in North America.

I find life and people in North America and Europe in general too cold, literally and figuratively. There’s absolutely no human warmth, no connection, no warmth or courtesy. It’s a capitalist society in the most vicious way. That wouldn’t be a problem if I was a different kind of person, or if I was raised around those circumstances. Fortunately or unfortunately I wasn’t, and so it always bothers me to see how cold, condescending, icy and distant people act around each other here. Especially to those who they perceive are “less” than them.

I get it. Things move so fast and everybody is so busy trying to survive that they don’t have time to connect. Where I come from it’s not like that. There’s a certain warmth to the way people are. For example, it wasn’t uncommon to see people out at 3AM having a lively chat in one of the countries I grew up in.

However here if you approach people the same way you do at home, their defences automatically go up, and they look at you thinking one of two things: you’re a mentally unstable person, or you’re a cunning opportunist. Either way they think you’re dangerous. Now you learn how to be like them, quiet and evasive. That’s death for the soul. I have now become one of those people. A dude from Ivory Coast walked up to me in the sky train and started a conversation, and although I entertained him, all the while I thought: “What’s his angle?”

Looking at how life has changed me here in “the wilderness of North America,” (Malcolm X) I understand and see things in a whole different light. Now I see why so many people play the lotto. You’d have to be damn near blessed by God himself to be able to escape a life that’s destined to so many people.

I also now have even more compassion and patience for the homeless and the people you see on the street talking to themselves. For I realize just how easy and quick one can become like that. Nothing is given, everything is earned. And with the way everyone and everything here is geared towards rejecting you or taking all you have, you shut yourself up in a way that may bring on insanity.

Mum & Dad once again, and for the billionth time you were right. I never listen, but I sure do learn.

6 Comments

  1. Theo such a nice read.
    I can relate to what you going through and your experiences in the North America. I lived in the UK for 1.5 years and during that period i had an experience of a lifetime which made me perceive life in a different way and appreciate everything around me no matter how small it is. I did menial jobs some which i have never imagined that will do. It was really a humbling experience for me but i treated as an opportunity for me life skills. Life in the first world i know its not smooth especially to people of african origin. We are considered `less` and that why its hard to get a job you would want and since you have to pay for your bills you have to look for menial jobs which you have to work for long hours to meet all your financial needs.My advice for you living in that part of the world is being creative and innovative since you are already a hardworking person. It is called a land of opportunities if you come with that `crazy` idea that can be a game changer in your life and the market/audience is already there. A good example is what your sister is doing in the fashion industry.

    In the first world, there is no human connection but my advice for is create it. I will share my experience. I used to live in a penthouse in UK where we shared the facility with my 6 other colleagues and the only black person. Their reception was a bit cold but i realized i was to live with them for the next 1 year then i have to make them part of my family. I had to approach them by starting conversations every time we met in kitchen, on the corridors till they were all open. After sometime the distance that i felt was between us was over. Try to understand them but also make them understand that the way and the place you were brought up life is different when it comes to socializing.

    1. First of all I apologize for the late reply.

      Thank you very much for your comment. It gives me a lot of hope, truly. To say what I’m going through is a humbling experience would be an understatement. It’s a huge ego-check. The amount of things we have to handle, while trying to survive is insane. People here really have no idea. And why should they? Life is tough on everybody. So I don’t blame them. The problem is that with us, there are several obstacles in our way that we have to get rid of first. The problem is that it’s unfair, and not everyone accepts that. Me included. I have to work on that. As a result we appreciate things a lot more. I’ll never take opportunity for granted ever again.

      I am trying my hardest to find my way just like my sister. But it’s really not a cakewalk. It’s a constant internal battle for self worth, confidence and all that stuff. Plus the person I am, as in my character, doesn’t really help me interact with people as much as I would like. But you gave me hope, and I thank you once again for that. I hope we’ll interact more in the future, cheers!

  2. This is really a very sweet article i feel every part of it as if its happening to me. I think there is no one else who can put it as better than that.

  3. “Now you learn how to be like them, quiet and evasive. That’s death for the soul. I have now become one of those people. A dude from Ivory Coast walked up to me in the sky train and started a conversation, and although I entertained him, all the while I thought: “What’s his angle?””

    Yes, Theo, it is easy to become like them and forget who you are. And indeed people do become like them. You too. You say you have become quiet and evasive. But, and as you have said, “That is death for the soul.” What you become is it worth what you were? We are not cold, icy, condescending and distant people in Africa as you say. We are connected, we know what is human warmth, we express it, we show it. We say “Hi” when we meet people, strangers or people you already know, we start a conversation with them, naturally, and we even ask how are their dogs and pigs and hens and goats doing… We sing in public transport and dance when we hear music and no one would say you are mentally unstable. People who have been to Africa know that and can remember, if they ride buses from one city to another, how lovely and warm and entertaining this is. Yes, because that is who we are and we cannot afford to change that, Theo!

    They perceive some people as “less” than them? That is what THEY think and this has absolutely NOTHING to do with reality, my friend, fortunatelly! People know their value, are talented and no one can take it from them! They are only looking for opportunities to shine because, and as Viola Davis said, without opportunities, no one can shine! And it is time we start creating these opportunities, Theo!

    Life is hard? Yes, Theo, very hard in North America. People have to work two and even three jobs to make ends meet, to pay the endless list of bills they have every month. And most of the time, these are jobs they don’t like. You have a PhD that is rejected because you got it from abroad no matter where. You have to start from scratch and have to simplify your resume because your big degrees scare people!

    This being said, it is important to try not to erase who you are to become like them, because you will never become or be like them (remember the African say: “Un morceau de bois ne deviendra jamais crocodile aussi longtemps qu’il reste dans l’eau”). Instead, create opportunities for them to get to know you. Carry the flag of Africa everywhere you go and this flag means openness, human warmth, kindness, etc.

    All this is life, and life is a journey, not a destination, my friend! And what is most important is what you learn during the journey. I am happy you learned, Theo!

    Thanks for sharing your experience, Theo!

    1. Life is a journey, not a destination. I needed to be reminded of that. I tend to focus too much on the destination, and I forget to live in the moment. I will never forget who I am, you cannot change who you are completely. That will always be in me. Thanks to my parents. But at the same time, I live here now, and I have to fight to survive. So I have to be a little tougher, a little meaner. The trick is to find the balance, and that takes constant work. Like I was saying earlier, us as Africans have many more things to handle and deal with then other people. But that’s not a problem. I will figure it out.

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