“…When you need a sign, that’s when they appear…” – Drake
That’s an interesting line ^ I don’t know that I necessarily agree with it or not. Then again I can be pretty oblivious to my surroundings, so maybe I’ve been getting signs all these years and just didn’t see them.
Looking back at some events now, I definitely know that signs were flashing everywhere, but my dumbass couldn’t pick up on them. So what I’m really trying to say is that I don’t want to believe that when you need a sign is when they appear.
However today I want to write about signs and Hollywood. In case you couldn’t tell by now, I choose a ridiculously difficult, downright impossible career. I’m not going to go into details as to why exactly it’s like that; you’ve read my previous blog posts.
A few years ago someone I respect highly straight up told me: “I think you’re becoming an actor to run away from doing honest hard work.” That really messed with my mind, especially because at that time I was battling serious self-confidence issues.
It still bothers me to this day if I’m being honest. I always ask myself “I’m I being delusional? Should I just give up?” It’s been so long and I’ve been trying so hard, never being able to balance my act, no pun intended, enough to get constant momentum going.
This is where the need of a sign ^ comes in. I’ve been hastily looking for a concrete sign to help give concrete answers, to no avail. Recently I saw a post on Instagram that read: “Hardest part about chasing your dream is trying to understand if God is giving you signs to stop or is he testing your faith to keep going.” I related so much I had to comment: “Truest s**t ever written.”
I’ve been extremely open and desperate to receiving any kind of sign lately, not only with acting and but with several other issues. I haven’t had much success thus far, hence my frustration with the sign theory.
Should I give up? I don’t want to, Dad told me it’ll be like this. Have I thought of giving up? Absolutely. Have I temporarily given up in the past? You bet I have. But see, here’s the thing: All the rejection, the struggle, the no calls, the frustration after blown auditions, or after realizing I’m not where I want to be craft-wise, I want it even more. Weirdly, this video has always come up in mind, whenever I felt discouraged, whether it was the day after or weeks later.
I have a special obsession with this acting-thespian-industry. The way I study the history of Hollywood, how I analyze movies with their budgets and box office numbers, the directors, the writers, the cast, where the movie was filmed, which studio it’s distributed and produced by etc.
I study the actors that inspire me to see how they got their start; I look at their IMDB and Wikipedia pages, I look at their project selections, and what they do outside of acting etc. I know what to do and what not to do with my career you know? But with acting the most qualified actors don’t always succeed…it’s such a weird business.
But I also know how I feel every time I leave an audition, even if it didn’t go well. It’s a huge rush of excessive energy; it feels a little like what having wings would feel like. I walk extra fast with an extra step and purpose.
I do believe I’ve gotten signs that were meant to tell me to keep going. At least that’s what I like to think: There was the time when I happened to be in Toronto when Suicide Squad was being filmed. My friend and I walked down Yonge-Dundas Square, and I got to see props used in the film, like real Gotham City taxicabs.
Later that same summer during the Caribana carnival, (a must-do if you have the opportunity by the way) I happened to spot Adewale Akinnuyoe-Agbaje (The Mummy Returns, Oz, Killer Elite), in a crowd of thousands of people. He was in town filming the same Suicide Squad.
Here in Vancouver Julia Stiles and Freddie Highmore happened to come directly to the counter I work in, looking for help. This summer, as I was spending the day in London, while walking to the apple store to charge my phone, who should I see but Alfred Enoch randomly appear around a corner…He was walking really quickly, like someone was chasing him or something, with a Brazilian football jersey on. But then I remembered that the World Cup was going on and Brazil happened to be playing Mexico that day.
These are the signs that I care to remember. Now what those signs mean exactly I don’t know, but I’ll soon find out. Maybe they are signs for me to not loose faith, or maybe they are signs I’m heading for the brick wall…
As a wish for you to start off your week the best way possible listen to one of my favorite songs from Snoop Dogg, called, you guessed it, Signs. An Oldie, but a Goodie.
Thanks for sharing this very personal post with us, Theo!
Yes, sometimes when life is tough and you want responses, you want/seek directions, you look for signs. I even talk to God and ask for signs when I don’t know what else to do or when my reality is not looking good. I do not know if God gives me those signs but I keep asking and looking. And sometimes you ask yourself if you have to stop and give up, or whether you should continue especially when you can’t find the signs we are talking about. Sometimes you want to give up but there is this small voice inside you that tells you to keep going and trying and doing no matter the setbacks in their many aspects: rejections, no calls, etc.
Yes, Theo, it is hard but that is life. And setbacks are there for a reason and God might certainly be sending us signs when we need them and may be we are not ready to see them, I believe.
Me too I have been trying to do a few things for some time now, unsuccessfully, but that is not going to make me to give up. Because I believe in me and in my ability to get what I want and no one or nothing can change that. It is about the mentality we have and the way we see ourselves as achievers or not. I am determined to keep going and trying and doing until I get what I want.
I am happy you have the same philosophy of life, Theo!